Archive for June, 2005

Thought you people out there might like this IM log:

(14:11:58) DeerObliterator: OK. Forgot to tell you a funny story I have.
(14:12:51) Jessica – Work: heh ok
(14:15:58) DeerObliterator: Yesterday, when Casper and I were leaving the vet’s office, I tried to get Casper to jump into the car. He didn’t want to (I think he wanted to run around all over the place). So I got in and sat down and started the car. I even called him a time or two to jump up into my lap and over into the other seat. He didn’t want to. So, he decided to be a stupid bastard and proceeded to sit down in the parking lot. You know how I joked that his little, itty, bitty testicles have gotten a bit large for his size and now he look like that puppet on Conan O’Brian that wanted testicular enlargment did during the sample images? Well, when he sat down, he wasn’t thinking, because his little, I mean big, hairless testicles got put into direct contact with that baking hot asphalt. Took less than 1 second for him to screech in pain and stand up. I had to rescue him by grabbing him off the hot asphalt. Silly little puppy, shoulda just jumped in the car any of the 10 different times I told him to.
(14:17:04) Jessica – Work: Seriously LOL
(14:17:35) Jessica – Work: I’d say he won’t make that mistake twice, but he probably will
(14:17:53) DeerObliterator: Now I was wondering if this means we should hire someone to check his testicles for surface burns and if found spread aloe vera all over them
(14:18:10) DeerObliterator: Might look a little funny with goo smeared testicles, but he might feel better
(14:18:40) Jessica – Work: hmm… don’t know about all that. But shouldn’t need to pay money, you are a sympathetic male, you should take care of that doctoring
(14:18:44) Jessica – Work:
(14:18:55) DeerObliterator: No, no, I don’t need that job
(14:19:26) Jessica – Work: hehe
(14:19:33) DeerObliterator: Of course, may not have to hire anyone. Just wait until the next time Delilah is “checking him out” and goo her tongue.
(14:20:04) Jessica – Work: oh that’s just wrong
(14:20:19) Jessica – Work: besides she’d walk around spitting for an hour
(14:20:23) DeerObliterator: I wonder what you would get if you crossed a pit bull and a frenchy?
(14:21:02) Jessica – Work: hm… not sure
(14:21:25) Jessica – Work: A dog that would beat up another dog, but laugh about it & bring it back to the owner?
(14:21:34) DeerObliterator: Maybe
(14:22:24) Jessica – Work: but it would never happened. Delilah’s fixed & she’d never be on bottom
(14:23:42) DeerObliterator: Are you saying that with Delilah’s attitude, the only way she’d ever consent is if she had a strap-on?
(14:25:14) Jessica – Work: i’m thinking probably so. And that arrangement is likely not agreeable to the little man (or most other dogs) nor would it be very productive on the childbearing side
(14:26:05) DeerObliterator: Yeah, based upon the response he had to things yesterday at the vet’s office, I’m guessing after the very first attempt with a strap-on he’d make sure that thing got destroyed.
(14:26:36) Jessica – Work: yeah no question about it
(14:27:22) DeerObliterator: Of course, as often as Delilah humps the little man’s head, if we just made the strap-on a Q-tip, she could keep his ears clean
(14:27:40) DeerObliterator: Or his nostrils clean. Either way.
(14:27:45) DeerObliterator: Probably both actually.
(14:29:06) Jessica – Work: You trying to make me spray water out of my nose?
(14:29:31) DeerObliterator: Did I succeed?
(14:29:52) Jessica – Work: people suspect i’m having weird conversations with someone when I bust out laughing while working on reports. Or they think I’m crazy. That could be it too :
(14:30:36) DeerObliterator: A little workplace humor never hurt anyone, it’s good to keep light spirits
(14:34:39) Jessica – Work: I think so too, but not everyone agrees about the humping nostrils ability to levitate the spirits
(14:34:47) Jessica – Work: running outside
(14:34:50) DeerObliterator: ok
(14:43:49) Jessica – Work: i’m back
(14:51:01) DeerObliterator: I wonder if I might be able to write a book with helpful little hints like the Q-Tip thing for, say, bachelors. You know, the low effort guide to home maintenance. In the animal care section, do a doggy door, one of those self feeding/watering things that drop food down as they eat it, and the Q-Tip suggestion for keeping ears and noses well maintained. For grooming you could suggest something like the vacuum hair cutter thing they spoof on saturday night live. For baths you could suggest a miniature car wash outside the doggy door, you know, first you have a hose that douses them with water, then a brush pre-soaked in soap to get them clean, then another hose to rinse them off, then a big fan to dry them as they are going in and out the doggie door. If you have animals that shed a lot and hardwood floors, like us, then you could suggest means of cleaning up the hair mess. Like, for instance, if you have a cat that’s big a fluffly, like rocky is, then you could possibly use the clothes pin on the tail trick to make them run all around the house. Now, normally, this would just leave more hair behind. So, in order to make the cat pickup hair instead, you first need to rub them on any regular TV set to build static electric charge in their coat. If you don’t have a regular TV, say you have a projection TV or LCD TV or Plasma TV, then this won’t work. Instead, you can substitute a short jolt from a police tazer…that should provide plenty of electrons for a static charge. Kinda like those super dusters you see advertised on TV. Once you have the static charge built up, place some little booties on the cat’s feet. Don’t worry if he tries to take them right back off. Once you have the clothes pin in place they’ll be forgotten. This is so the cat will go sliding and careening all around the floor instead of being able to run where they want to (it also keeps the cat from climbing your leg while you are standing around in your boxers). Next put on the clothes pin at about the base of the tail where the cat can’t get to it. Sit pack, pop your favorite beer, and let the cat get all the hairballs for you while at the same time being an amusing source of entertainment.
(14:53:43) Jessica – Work: You are one sick little puppy.