All these lawsuits by stupid people for shit that we didn’t do for them really piss me off. For example, the lady that sued McDonald’s over the scalding hot coffee in her lap and won millions. Let’s review a few things. First, she ordered the coffee. Second, she chose to put it between her legs. Third, she was driving a stick shift which meant her legs moved a lot as she worked the clutch and brake. Fourth, anyone over the age of 7 knows that lids on cups come off when you repeatedly bend the cup. Conclusion: What the hell was she doing putting that cup there in the first place? Is she a total moron? Maybe she didn’t have anywhere else convenient to place it… So, because she doesn’t prepare for driving with coffee ahead of time and still orders coffee at a drive through anyway and then makes do with a known bad solution to driving with a cup of coffee and gets hurt as a result, McDonald’s is now responsible? How assinine is that?

So, here’s my solution. We implement a new product rating system in America. It’s called the IQ rating. Each manufacturer can rate their product for the IQ you need to have to use it. If you use their product and hurt yourself, but in the process you exhibit less than the rated IQ in your decision making process, then you can’t sue the product maker. We’ll rate hot coffee at an IQ of 100, and we’ll rate that lady’s use of McDonald’s coffee at a displayed IQ of 40. Case dismissed.

This also means we can change the warning labels on products. Instead of having to warn about things that anyone with an IQ above that of an eggplant should know, we just warn people thusly:

IQ rating: 80

Warning: This product requires that you have a brain, and use it, in order to be safely operated/used/eaten/whatever. If you have left your brain at home or turned it off for some reason, please don’t use our product.